Thursday, October 27, 2011

My heart won't let


I want to believe you,
but my heart just won't let.
I want to forgive you,
but my mind won't forget.
I want to take your word
that you're sorry for all you've done.
I want to believe you when you say
you were immature and only wanted to have fun.


I wish you knew the pain I felt
when you left me all alone.
I wish I could count the tears I cried,
all the nights you didn't come home.
With every tear I shed
a piece of my heart I lost.
For you having fun,
I'm the one who paid the cost.

You said you'd never hurt me,
you promised to never break my heart.
Your promise was broken that night
your words tore me apart.

The words that came out I could not believe.
How this has happened I couldn't conceive.
We love each other you said to me,
with those words you destroyed my heart.
As the tears rolled down my face
I was slowly falling apart.

You love each other I said?
How long have you know her?
My past months with you suddenly became a blur.
We can still be friends you said to me,
All our dreams destroyed due to your unloyalty.

The one I gave my heart for,
the one who said would love me forever more.
Is the one who threw my world away,
with his words he killed me that day.
That is a day in my life that I will never forget.
You caused me so much pain,
maybe that's why my heart won't let...

By Poet730 (About Poet730)

© 2002 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Thou shalt not judge...





Last weekend I attended my first Obesity help convention in Long Island NY. I enjoyed myself very much, learned quite few things and also met a lot of nice people who shall remain my friends for a long time.

When a person has weight loss surgery they do it because they want to lose weight right? Well there is a few different percentages... a percentage that does it because they think it's a quick fix/ or they want to lose a few lbs, and a percentage do it because they are trying to save their lives. Myself and a lot of the people I surround myself with did it for the last reason.

I found myself dying at 29 yrs old of congestive heart failure. I was literally drowning in my own body. I weighed 700 lbs if not more. The first time they discharged me from the hospital the doctor that discharged me sent me home with no medications. I was admitted again 10 days later having gained over 75 lbs in fluid. Common sense would tell the average person I did not eat in order to do this. A lot of people assume that I ate myself to 700 lbs. I have been overweight my whole life but never to that point. I had severe sleep apnea for over 10 yrs that went untreated that is what I believe made me go into the congestive heart failure. My sleep apnea was so severe at one sleep study they told me I had stopped breathing 59 times in ONE hour. That's once a minute, longest I stopped was 50 seconds. When I think of how scary that is, it makes me emotional.

At the convention, I met a young man and I say young man because he is 9 years younger than me. I look at him like a little brother. When I heard his story it brought tears to my eyes. He grew up in NJ and about 2 years ago he had WLS to save his life. After suffering a few strokes and ending up in the hospital with a sugar level of 1932, no that is not a typo... 1932 it was amazing that he was even speaking or not in a coma. He is currently pursuing his singing career. I did pull him aside after he performed at the event and he told me to be honest when he first saw me he thought I was in the process of getting surgery but when he asked me my story and I told him I used to weigh 700 lbs he just about fell on the floor. He looked me up and down and said omg.. give me a hug... and I knew and felt that he was a genuine person. I spoke to him a few times that night and even though everyone thought I was flirting, I was not. I truly was interested in speaking to him, we connected because we had suffered through something that could have killed us both. Since the day we met we have spoken everyday whether online or on the phone. He is truly an inspiration. Although he says he looks up to me more than I look up to him. :) I'm trying to educate him on how to live after surgery so he doesn't suffer side effects and so he stays healthy. I know he is going to make it big when he gets to California.

The reason for the title to this blog is I heard through the grapevine the following comment: "Those people that started out weighing 6 or 700 lbs and are still half their weight should stop trying to be WLS advocates and go lose the rest of their weight." I know this comment was not personally directed at me, but the comment hurts none the less. Who is anyone to judge what anyone has been through? No matter what the reason we had weight loss surgery we all, well I can't say all the majority of people have it to be healthier, so they can live longer and be around for their loved ones. NO ONE should ever judge someone just because they are still over a certain weight, you don't know how far that person has come or what they have been through. No matter how we do it losing weight and trying to stay healthy is hard.

My whole reason for starting this blog was to record my experiences and also give anyone who may think that all hope is lost.. there is still hope. To help them believe that no matter how hard or hopeless things seem to be it can get better...
So when you see someone don't ever judge them. You never know what a person has been through unless you have walked a day in their shoes.


I'm going to post my little brother Bryson's links. He has started a blog, a fan page and I know he is going to be a big STAR!

Facebook fan page: https://www.facebook.com/BRYSONBMONEY
Blog: http://brysonsj.tumblr.com/
Webpage: http://BRYSONSJ.COM

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

1 week post op

So today makes 1 week that I had my surgery. Panniculectomy for those that are just now starting to read. They removed 20 lbs of skin from my stomach. That is a hell of a lot of weight to carry around for no reason. I am not sure if it will help my back pain or at lease minimize it. I can't tell just yet. When I heal more and become more active we shall see. I had my first post op visit yesterday. The dr took out 2 of the 4 drains I had and he took the dressing off my incision said I didn't need to wear it and I could now take a normal shower. I have been craving meat and proteins alot this past week. I asked the dr about it he said its normal and my body is just trying to heal itself. It does feel weird when I stand and my hand automatically touches my thigh. I believe it was the best decision I could make due to the pain in my back and I hope it helps. I still need, my legs, and chest and arms done but one thing at a time...Yesterday was also the first time I put on underwear since surgery and when i felt that my belly no longer stuck out the leg holes I cried..Time for some cute panties!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Surgery in 6 days!

The past few weeks have been full of anxiety for me every since my insurance approved my surgery it all went downhill from there. Most people say I should be excited.. and I am.. but the anxiety over rides that excitement. The excitement of how much better I will feel to be free of another 25-30 lbs of excess skin from my waist. What is causing me the most anxiety is the thought of being stitched from one hip to the other. I tried to get something for anxiety from my pcp but he gave me everything but, he gave me ambien, he gave me paxil... I'm changing him once I'm done with all this. I need a doctor who listens to what my problems are not one who prescribes whatever he feels like giving me.. Next week on Tuesday, Sept 20, 2011 I will be having surgery... wow 6 days away. I'm going to stop thinking about it now.. before I start freaking out.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My letter to the insurance company

To whom it may concern:

I am a 35 year old female. At my highest weight I was 700 lbs. I suffered from congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema, and severe obstructive sleep apnea.
I was put on medications and a high protein low carb diet and managed to lose weight down to 564 lbs.

For years I had struggled to find a way to have Gastric bypass surgery. Then finally I succeeded.
I found an experienced doctor who was more than willing to help me. At the time of surgery I weighed 564 lbs. The surgery was a success.
I was on my way to a new life, within the first 3 months I lost 106 lbs. I was ecstatic and feeling better than I had in years.
I was very compliant to my new lifestyle, after the first year I had lost 176 lbs bringing me down to 388 lbs. The more weight I lost the more excess skin I had.

Which brings me to the last 2 or so years of my life. I got down to my lowest weight of 285 lbs. Making it a total of 420 lbs lost from my
highest weight. I've regained about 50 lbs or so which disappoints me, but it is within reason. The more weight I lost
the more excess skin hung from my body. The main issue I have at the moment is the 25 to 30 lbs if not more of excess skin that hangs
from my waist. As you can probably imagine this does affect my every day life. From my endurance to perform normal every day tasks:
sitting for too long, standing, walking, bathing, dressing, pretty much anything you can think of. It takes a toll on my back and causes
me pain 95% of my day.

I have tried alternate methods of treatment for this back pain issue. I have done physical therapy for 2 months with no success.
I have tried cortisone shots in my back with no success. I have been going to pain management for several months and have to take
pain killers on a daily basis in order to function. I attempted going to the gym but sometimes the pain that I feel in my back due
to pinched nerves, arthritis and bulging discs is too much for me to bare. Hygiene is also an issue, I am a very clean person, I do bathe
daily but the summer months can be very difficult due to rashes under my pannus. I get ulcerations, skin tears and it is very painful. For these reasons
surgery is very important to my health and well being.

Please take all the above into consideration when making your decision for my approval. It would not only improve my quality of life but also
help me lose additional weight that I need to lose to meet my personal goal. I inserted a picture of myself in this letter to give you some idea of what I'm dealing with.

Thank you in advance
Sincerely


Rachel Perez

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Post I found on my facebook

Thinking

by Rachel Perez on Tuesday, June 15, 2010 at 1:21pm
So I'm considering writing again... not poetry not that I don't feel inspired or have a muse it's just not what I feel like writing right now... I've been thinking a lot of how far I have come and how far I haven't come.... I know that a lot of people say I have so much to be grateful for and this I do.
I had my surgery in Nov of 2007 after about 7 years of struggling to find a way to get medical coverage to do it. It took me moving to another state and going through much testing and 3 doctors and be in the hospital drowning in my own fluids for reality to hit the healthcare system that hey this woman needs help. I have always been overweight, then obese, then morbildy obese then super morbidly obese. I weighed 700+ lbs at one time. Yes my family was always on my back about my weight and that just made me want to not try. You know when someone constantly bugs you about something and it makes you not want to do it? yeah that was me...

So at 28 years old I was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema, and very severe sleep apnea so much as to I stopped breathing 59 times in 1 hour. No wonder I was waking up with massive lack of oxygen headaches. The day I had surgery I weighed in at 564 lbs. After the first 3 months I had lost 103 lbs.. I was ecstatic yes feeling better and more alive each day. After the first year I lost 176 lbs making it a total of 312 lbs lost.. I got as high as 420 lbs lost but I have since I was at my lowest of 285 lbs gained about 50 or so.. I keep gaining and losing the same 5 to 10 lbs due to water retention if I don't take my water pill.. Today I weighed in at 343 lbs.. yes I finally admitted it.. I am not perfect I am human.. I've been hiding in the shadows for a while now for the past few months due to the shame, feeling like a failure, but I know that there are so many in my same place in the same situation struggling.... I just get up again each day and try harder. I am going to physical therapy for pinched nerves and trying to work excercise into my life and hopefully that will help. Now that I got all this off my chest I feel a bit better and maybe this will keep me more on track and I will have more people to encourage me.. :) Thank you for whoever is reading this, thank you for listening...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Nerves are kicking in..

So I have a surgery date of August 3, 2011. Today I got the call for the date of my pre op testing... yeah... now is when the nerves kick in... 
I know that this surgery will make me feel better, my back in general. If you have ever been pregnant then you know what a strain that it takes on your back no I'm not pregnant lol... I just have 25+lb of excess skin hanging off my waist. I'm also not looking forward to the weeks of pain... I am pretty much always in pain but... I don't know how different this will be... 

Monday, June 27, 2011

All those lies


 
All these years, All those lies...
How can you say 'I love you' as you look in to my eyes?
How can you sit there and cry
as if you really mean those words you say,
when inside you are laughing at this game that you play...

Even though I didn't totally trust you,
I gave you my heart...
but you didn't care with your lies you tore it apart.
The lying and the cheating,
saying you'd always be mine.
So many others, I don't even know how you found the time.

All the emotions you've played with,
all the hearts that you've broken.
Telling me things that to another
you've already spoken.
What did I ever do to deserve what you've done?
To be used and abused all for your fun.

It's not what you've done,
but the lies that you've told.
You've done nothing but hurt me,
yet you act so cold.

Now that your fun has come to an end
and the game you've been playing is lost...
You'll realize one day when your crying and alone,
that you're the one who's paying the cost.
By Poet730   (About Poet730) 

My heart won't let...

I want to believe you, 
but my heart just won't let.
I want to forgive you,
but my mind won't forget.
I want to take your word
that you're sorry for all you've done.
I want to believe you when you say
you were immature and only wanted to have fun. 


I wish you knew the pain I felt
when you left me all alone.
I wish I could count the tears I cried,
all the nights you didn't come home. 
With every tear I shed
a piece of my heart I lost.
For you having fun,
I'm the one who paid the cost. 

You said you'd never hurt me, 
you promised to never break my heart.
Your promise was broken that night
your words tore me apart. 

The words that came out I could not believe.
How this has happened I couldn't conceive. 
We love each other you said to me,
with those words you destroyed my heart. 
As the tears rolled down my face 
I was slowly falling apart.

You love each other I said?
How long have you know her? 
My past months with you suddenly became a blur. 
We can still be friends you said to me,
All our dreams destroyed due to your unloyalty.

The one I gave my heart for,
the one who said would love me forever more. 
Is the one who threw my world away,
with his words he killed me that day.
That is a day in my life that I will never forget.
You caused me so much pain,
maybe that's why my heart won't let...





© 2002 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Forget it...


 
In your mind, I know you thought I'd always be there.
Doing what you wanted, thinking I'd always care.
You expect me to forget everything you've done.
You expect me to believe, now I'm the only one.


I can't look you in the eyes and believe what you say.
I don't want to start over the pain just went away.
You expect me to trust you after all the times you lied. You expect me to forget all the nights for you I cried.
You expect me to forget all the pain you caused.
You expect me to believe that without me you're lost.

I can't let myself take you back for a simple reason;
I'm not going to forget, I'm not going to believe.
I don't trust you now or ever, So why don't YOU just forget it????

Forget that you loved me, forget that I cared.
Forget that I exist, or the times that we shared.
Believe there's no hope we'll ever be again.
Forget that you ever knew me my friend.



By Poet730 


© 2001 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Love affair

This poem was written for a friend who's spouse was hooked on drugs...

Love affair



My world has become so dark and cold,
Since she came into your life.
I thought it would be me forever you'd hold,
but it seems you found a new wife.

Every morning when you wake up,
There's only one thing on your mind.
When and where you'll see her again.
She's become everything,
Your mother, your lover, your best friend.

Little by little our things start to disappear,
seems you'll give anything just to have her near.
You find any excuse to leave for hours at a time.
Then you come back home and expect everything to be fine.

You've driven me to the point of insanity,
I don't know what to say or do.
Sometimes I feel the only way to stop it is to kill you...

I'm beginning to believe that for us there's no hope.
Ever since your love affair began...
Her name is... DOPE.


© 2001 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Poem for 9/11


Together as one
 
So much tragedy, So much lost...
So many innocent people paying the cost.
All the innocent children that lost a mom or dad.
Everytime I look back on this day it will make me so sad. To look into that empty sky
where those towers use to stand.
All destroyed by some cowards plan.
Their plan was to make us weak,
but they only made us strong.
Together as one we will unite
to put them exactly where they belong...
By Poet730 

First Poem I ever wrote

                               I was about 13 yrs old 


                            Now that you are gone

 

Now that you are gone, I sit here feeling blue;
Wishing that you were here sitting with me too.

All the feelings of what could have been,are all in the past; I didn't see what happened it all just went so fast.

Now that you are gone, my world seems dark and gray.
You were the sunshine of my life but now that you are gone,
I don't see a single ray.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Never forget where youve been

As I was chatting with an old friend today and the current events of my life (I finally made an appt for a consult with a plastic surgeon) He says to me... Once you get where you want to be will you get rid of the pics of the OLD you? I thought about it for a second and said.. no.. Simply because I never want to forget how far I've come and where I've been. I said if we forget where we came from then we will never know where we need to be... and he said If you were where you need to be then you only need to go forward... So I replied.. no matter what u say I won't put what i've been thru behind me it can serve as inspiration for other people and give them hope. I like to give people the hope that no matter how bad they think things are.. that there will be a better day.. and that no matter what they should never give up... :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Inspiration



Through The Rain lyrics
Songwriters: Cole, Lionel; Carey, Mariah;

When you get caught in the rain
With no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved

But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is

I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down, don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mariah-carey-lyrics/through-the-rain-lyrics.html)
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close
Don't be afraid, there's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you, you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
As I live once again
And I live one more day
I can make it through the rain
Yes you can
You gonna make it through the rain


© RYE SONGS; SONGS OF UNIVERSAL INC;


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Random thoughts

When I tell people I lived in Florida for 5 years they ask "oh how did you like it down there?" Well to be honest I can't really say I enjoyed living in Florida because the only places I ever went was doctors, hospitals, the supermarket when I was well enough to go and in the final year I actually had a job. My time in Florida I would say was more like a step in my life that I needed to take to get to my final destination. About 2 months after I got there I was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure at the age of 29... Yes Doctors were shocked for me to be that young and be so sick but it can happen to anyone... I lay there in that hospital bed at 700+ lbs drowning in my own body not being able to take a deep breath. It's something I remember and never want to experience again. I was also diagnosed with c.o.p.d and a variety of other things. But from that point in my life I knew I had to do something about my weight and it had to happen fast...

Monday, May 30, 2011

Silent Drops

I started writing poetry at the age of 13 and have not written in quite a few years but this one is from one of the many nights I lay awake...

             Silent Drops 
 

Silent drop fall from my eyes
Releasing the pain I feel inside
Trapped within myself
I search for the strength to find some help

Never letting anyone see
The pain that I hide deep within me
Silent drops are falling
but no one ever hears me calling

Lost inside a body
That doesn't let me live
I struggle everyday
To give all I have to give

Silent drops are flowing
You have no way of knowing
What it's like to be me
I just want to be free

Suffocating in my sleep
As I try to rest in bed
Fearing in my mind
I might end up dead

Silent drops are falling
And no one ever hears a sound
For I only let them fall
When no one is around

One more day
A few more steps
I have to keep on going
But when, tell me when
Will the silent drops stop falling...
By Poet730

© 2002 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Milestones along the way


What a year....


Current mood:accomplished
Well it's been quite a year a little over 1 year ago I had a life changing, life saving surgery. I was 564 lbs at the time of my surgery today I sit here at 323 lbs. I still have ways to go and probably 1 or 2 more surgeries before my final transformation is complete but I'm well on my way. Before my surgery I suffered from Congestive heart failure,*heighest weight was 700 +lbs, pulmonary edema, severe sleep apnea, *at my sleep study they  told me I stopped breathing 59 times in ONE hour, that's about once a minute* angina, back and knee problem, and c.o.pd (at one time they had me on oxygen 18 hours a day, and anxiety as if that wasn't enough. Ironically enough my cholesterol, sugar and pressure were always normal.
One month after my surgery I was off all my medications, 3 months after my surgery I was off my bipap for my sleep apnea and also down 106 lbs. I have accomplished so many things this year.. things that most people take for granted on an everyday basis...
This year I have done the following:
1. I flew on a plane for the first time in my life
2. I fit into a chair with arms without hurting my thighs(us big girls know how that is lol)
3. I am able to walk more than 2 or 3 feet at time without gasping for air and having to sit down.
4. I think I actually made my father proud of me for one of the very few times in my life.
5. I went to the pool without being embarrassed or caring what anyone thought.
6. I go shopping every week with my boyfriend something that he used to do by himself. I still have to ride the scooter around because my excess skin prevents me from walking that far.
7. I can actually shop off the rack!!
8. When I go out in public I am not paranoid that people are staring at me because of my size.
9. I have lost a total of 377 lbs from my heighest weight and 241 lbs since my surgery.
10. I now cook and clean and wash dishes standing up.
11. I have a full time job for the first time in over 4 yrs
12. I am not afraid to go outside in public
13. I cut over 16 inches off my hair and donated it to locks of love in the name of my dear friend Jeremy Norman who passed away Dec 23, 2007.
14. I enjoy meeting new people and telling them my story, and actually look them in the eye when I talk instead of hanging my head down.
15. I am enjoying life and actually living instead of existing in a shell of a body
I have to say I think I have come pretty far in this past year and I know I have a ways to go.. but I know it can only get better than this..


A little about me...


I wrote this on myspace  after watching a video on youtube...

Hopefully this will help someone

I watched a video on youtube about a girl who was trying to decide whether or not to have WLS after years and years of being overweight and yo yo dieting... mourning over the loss of her 29 yr old sister back in March of this year due to a massive heart attack she is now scared for her life... and wants to know if it is the right decision... this is what I wrote to her..

Hello Elle,

I did respond to your video but I was so moved by it I decided I needed to write you a longer more personal response.

Let me give you a little info about myself.. We moved here to FL from NJ in Nov of 2004. I had health issues, sleep apnea edema etc. By January of 2005 I was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure weighing 700+ lbs... I too had been contemplating surgery for years because I had been over weight my whole life but that right there was my HEIGHEST weight and the deciding factor that I HAD TO DO IT.

I could not accomplish anything in NJ as I had no kind of medical insurance. I met a surgeon when i was in the hospital those 2 weeks. He told me that before he would even touch me.. i would have to lose at least 100 lbs and by that time i was 626 they were pumping me full of dieuretics to get rid of all the excess fluid I had in my body including my lungs. When he told me that i was upset. I thought to myself if i could lose all that weight then i wouldn't need surgery right? well long story short he put me on a low carb high protein diet... i did lose about 80 lbs and he still had not started all the preop testing... so i got aggravated and found another dr. went to another seminar.. and this dr suggested the gastric sleeve due to me being high risk with the congestive heart failure, c.opd, edema, severe sleep apnea, angina. so i stuck with him.. until my medicaid turned into medicare and his office told me i had to wait till they were approved as a center of excellence or medicare would not pay for it. so here we go with the waiting game again by this time i was down to 600 or the high 5 it kept goin up and down due to my congestive heart failure and fluid retention.

So i got fed up with him and my friend suggested me to go to another dr. who was one of the top 5 in the US his name... my angel... Dr. Raul Rosenthal i met him in August of 2007 i was 592.. i had a date by the end of october for november 8, 2007 day of surgery i was 564... today i sit here at 358 lbs... almost 9 months after surgery... am i happy with my decision? HELL YES. would i do it again?... IN A HEART BEAT... would i suggest it to you?... yes... it is a life long decision? it is a TOOL.. it is NOT the easy way out but when you have so much weight to lose.. it is a last resort... and a decision I would make again without a second thought.

I hope that all this info can be of some sort of help to you... anytime you need help or advice... i am here..

looking forward to getting to know you more...

Rachel