Silent Drops

I started writing poetry at the age of 13 and have not written in quite a few years but this one is from one of the many nights I lay awake...

             Silent Drops 
 

Silent drop fall from my eyes Releasing the pain I feel inside Trapped within myself I search for the strength to find some help Never letting anyone see The pain that I hide deep within me Silent drops are falling but no one ever hears me calling Lost inside a body That doesn't let me live I struggle everyday To give all I have to give Silent drops are flowing You have no way of knowing What it's like to be me I just want to be free Suffocating in my sleep As I try to rest in bed Fearing in my mind I might end up dead Silent drops are falling And no one ever hears a sound For I only let them fall When no one is around One more day A few more steps I have to keep on going But when, tell me when Will the silent drops stop falling...By Poet730 © 2002 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Milestones along the way

Dec 31, 2008

What a year....

Current mood:accomplished

Well it's been quite a year a little over 1 year ago I had a life changing, life saving surgery. I was 564 lbs at the time of my surgery today I sit here at 323 lbs. I still have ways to go and probably 1 or 2 more surgeries before my final transformation is complete but I'm well on my way. Before my surgery I suffered from Congestive heart failure,*heighest weight was 700 +lbs, pulmonary edema, severe sleep apnea, *at my sleep study they  told me I stopped breathing 59 times in ONE hour, that's about once a minute* angina, back and knee problem, and c.o.pd (at one time they had me on oxygen 18 hours a day, and anxiety as if that wasn't enough. Ironically enough my cholesterol, sugar and pressure were always normal.

One month after my surgery I was off all my medications, 3 months after my surgery I was off my bipap for my sleep apnea and also down 106 lbs. I have accomplished so many things this year.. things that most people take for granted on an everyday basis...

This year I have done the following:

1. I flew on a plane for the first time in my life

2. I fit into a chair with arms without hurting my thighs(us big girls know how that is lol)

3. I am able to walk more than 2 or 3 feet at time without gasping for air and having to sit down.

4. I think I actually made my father proud of me for one of the very few times in my life.

5. I went to the pool without being embarrassed or caring what anyone thought.

6. I go shopping every week with my boyfriend something that he used to do by himself. I still have to ride the scooter around because my excess skin prevents me from walking that far.

7. I can actually shop off the rack!!

8. When I go out in public I am not paranoid that people are staring at me because of my size.

9. I have lost a total of 377 lbs from my heighest weight and 241 lbs since my surgery.

10. I now cook and clean and wash dishes standing up.

11. I have a full time job for the first time in over 4 yrs

12. I am not afraid to go outside in public

13. I cut over 16 inches off my hair and donated it to locks of love in the name of my dear friend Jeremy Norman who passed away Dec 23, 2007.

14. I enjoy meeting new people and telling them my story, and actually look them in the eye when I talk instead of hanging my head down.

15. I am enjoying life and actually living instead of existing in a shell of a body

I have to say I think I have come pretty far in this past year and I know I have a ways to go.. but I know it can only get better than this..

A little about me...

I wrote this on myspace  after watching a video on youtube...

Hopefully this will help someone

I watched a video on youtube about a girl who was trying to decide whether or not to have WLS after years and years of being overweight and yo yo dieting... mourning over the loss of her 29 yr old sister back in March of this year due to a massive heart attack she is now scared for her life... and wants to know if it is the right decision... this is what I wrote to her..

Hello Elle,

I did respond to your video but I was so moved by it I decided I needed to write you a longer more personal response.

Let me give you a little info about myself.. We moved here to FL from NJ in Nov of 2004. I had health issues, sleep apnea edema etc. By January of 2005 I was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure weighing 700+ lbs... I too had been contemplating surgery for years because I had been over weight my whole life but that right there was my HEIGHEST weight and the deciding factor that I HAD TO DO IT.

I could not accomplish anything in NJ as I had no kind of medical insurance. I met a surgeon when i was in the hospital those 2 weeks. He told me that before he would even touch me.. i would have to lose at least 100 lbs and by that time i was 626 they were pumping me full of dieuretics to get rid of all the excess fluid I had in my body including my lungs. When he told me that i was upset. I thought to myself if i could lose all that weight then i wouldn't need surgery right? well long story short he put me on a low carb high protein diet... i did lose about 80 lbs and he still had not started all the preop testing... so i got aggravated and found another dr. went to another seminar.. and this dr suggested the gastric sleeve due to me being high risk with the congestive heart failure, c.opd, edema, severe sleep apnea, angina. so i stuck with him.. until my medicaid turned into medicare and his office told me i had to wait till they were approved as a center of excellence or medicare would not pay for it. so here we go with the waiting game again by this time i was down to 600 or the high 5 it kept goin up and down due to my congestive heart failure and fluid retention.

So i got fed up with him and my friend suggested me to go to another dr. who was one of the top 5 in the US his name... my angel... Dr. Raul Rosenthal i met him in August of 2007 i was 592.. i had a date by the end of october for november 8, 2007 day of surgery i was 564... today i sit here at 358 lbs... almost 9 months after surgery... am i happy with my decision? HELL YES. would i do it again?... IN A HEART BEAT... would i suggest it to you?... yes... it is a life long decision? it is a TOOL.. it is NOT the easy way out but when you have so much weight to lose.. it is a last resort... and a decision I would make again without a second thought.

I hope that all this info can be of some sort of help to you... anytime you need help or advice... i am here..

looking forward to getting to know you more...

Rachel