My heart won't let

I want to believe you,
but my heart just won't let.
I want to forgive you,
but my mind won't forget.
I want to take your word
that you're sorry for all you've done.
I want to believe you when you say
you were immature and only wanted to have fun.


I wish you knew the pain I felt
when you left me all alone.
I wish I could count the tears I cried,
all the nights you didn't come home.
With every tear I shed
a piece of my heart I lost.
For you having fun,
I'm the one who paid the cost.

You said you'd never hurt me,
you promised to never break my heart.
Your promise was broken that night
your words tore me apart.

The words that came out I could not believe.
How this has happened I couldn't conceive.
We love each other you said to me,
with those words you destroyed my heart.
As the tears rolled down my face
I was slowly falling apart.

You love each other I said?
How long have you know her?
My past months with you suddenly became a blur.
We can still be friends you said to me,
All our dreams destroyed due to your unloyalty.

The one I gave my heart for,
the one who said would love me forever more.
Is the one who threw my world away,
with his words he killed me that day.
That is a day in my life that I will never forget.
You caused me so much pain,
maybe that's why my heart won't let...

By Poet730 (About Poet730)

© 2002 Poet730 (All rights reserved)

Thou shalt not judge...

Last weekend I attended my first Obesity help convention in Long Island NY. I enjoyed myself very much, learned quite few things and also met a lot of nice people who shall remain my friends for a long time.

When a person has weight loss surgery they do it because they want to lose weight right? Well there is a few different percentages... a percentage that does it because they think it's a quick fix/ or they want to lose a few lbs, and a percentage do it because they are trying to save their lives. Myself and a lot of the people I surround myself with did it for the last reason.

I found myself dying at 29 yrs old of congestive heart failure. I was literally drowning in my own body. I weighed 700 lbs if not more. The first time they discharged me from the hospital the doctor that discharged me sent me home with no medications. I was admitted again 10 days later having gained over 75 lbs in fluid. Common sense would tell the average person I did not eat in order to do this. A lot of people assume that I ate myself to 700 lbs. I have been overweight my whole life but never to that point. I had severe sleep apnea for over 10 yrs that went untreated that is what I believe made me go into the congestive heart failure. My sleep apnea was so severe at one sleep study they told me I had stopped breathing 59 times in ONE hour. That's once a minute, longest I stopped was 50 seconds. When I think of how scary that is, it makes me emotional.

At the convention, I met a young man and I say young man because he is 9 years younger than me. I look at him like a little brother. When I heard his story it brought tears to my eyes. He grew up in NJ and about 2 years ago he had WLS to save his life. After suffering a few strokes and ending up in the hospital with a sugar level of 1932, no that is not a typo... 1932 it was amazing that he was even speaking or not in a coma. He is currently pursuing his singing career. I did pull him aside after he performed at the event and he told me to be honest when he first saw me he thought I was in the process of getting surgery but when he asked me my story and I told him I used to weigh 700 lbs he just about fell on the floor. He looked me up and down and said omg.. give me a hug... and I knew and felt that he was a genuine person. I spoke to him a few times that night and even though everyone thought I was flirting, I was not. I truly was interested in speaking to him, we connected because we had suffered through something that could have killed us both. Since the day we met we have spoken everyday whether online or on the phone. He is truly an inspiration. Although he says he looks up to me more than I look up to him. :) I'm trying to educate him on how to live after surgery so he doesn't suffer side effects and so he stays healthy. I know he is going to make it big when he gets to California.

The reason for the title to this blog is I heard through the grapevine the following comment: "Those people that started out weighing 6 or 700 lbs and are still half their weight should stop trying to be WLS advocates and go lose the rest of their weight." I know this comment was not personally directed at me, but the comment hurts none the less. Who is anyone to judge what anyone has been through? No matter what the reason we had weight loss surgery we all, well I can't say all the majority of people have it to be healthier, so they can live longer and be around for their loved ones. NO ONE should ever judge someone just because they are still over a certain weight, you don't know how far that person has come or what they have been through. No matter how we do it losing weight and trying to stay healthy is hard.

My whole reason for starting this blog was to record my experiences and also give anyone who may think that all hope is lost.. there is still hope. To help them believe that no matter how hard or hopeless things seem to be it can get better...
So when you see someone don't ever judge them. You never know what a person has been through unless you have walked a day in their shoes.


I'm going to post my little brother Bryson's links. He has started a blog, a fan page and I know he is going to be a big STAR!

Facebook fan page: https://www.facebook.com/BRYSONBMONEY
Blog: http://brysonsj.tumblr.com/
Webpage: http://BRYSONSJ.COM

1 week post op

So today makes 1 week that I had my surgery. Panniculectomy for those that are just now starting to read. They removed 20 lbs of skin from my stomach. That is a hell of a lot of weight to carry around for no reason. I am not sure if it will help my back pain or at lease minimize it. I can't tell just yet. When I heal more and become more active we shall see. I had my first post op visit yesterday. The dr took out 2 of the 4 drains I had and he took the dressing off my incision said I didn't need to wear it and I could now take a normal shower. I have been craving meat and proteins alot this past week. I asked the dr about it he said its normal and my body is just trying to heal itself. It does feel weird when I stand and my hand automatically touches my thigh. I believe it was the best decision I could make due to the pain in my back and I hope it helps. I still need, my legs, and chest and arms done but one thing at a time...Yesterday was also the first time I put on underwear since surgery and when i felt that my belly no longer stuck out the leg holes I cried..Time for some cute panties!!

Surgery in 6 days!

The past few weeks have been full of anxiety for me every since my insurance approved my surgery it all went downhill from there. Most people say I should be excited.. and I am.. but the anxiety over rides that excitement. The excitement of how much better I will feel to be free of another 25-30 lbs of excess skin from my waist. What is causing me the most anxiety is the thought of being stitched from one hip to the other. I tried to get something for anxiety from my pcp but he gave me everything but, he gave me ambien, he gave me paxil... I'm changing him once I'm done with all this. I need a doctor who listens to what my problems are not one who prescribes whatever he feels like giving me.. Next week on Tuesday, Sept 20, 2011 I will be having surgery... wow 6 days away. I'm going to stop thinking about it now.. before I start freaking out.

My letter to the insurance company

To whom it may concern:

I am a 35 year old female. At my highest weight I was 700 lbs. I suffered from congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema, and severe obstructive sleep apnea.
I was put on medications and a high protein low carb diet and managed to lose weight down to 564 lbs.

For years I had struggled to find a way to have Gastric bypass surgery. Then finally I succeeded.
I found an experienced doctor who was more than willing to help me. At the time of surgery I weighed 564 lbs. The surgery was a success.
I was on my way to a new life, within the first 3 months I lost 106 lbs. I was ecstatic and feeling better than I had in years.
I was very compliant to my new lifestyle, after the first year I had lost 176 lbs bringing me down to 388 lbs. The more weight I lost the more excess skin I had.

Which brings me to the last 2 or so years of my life. I got down to my lowest weight of 285 lbs. Making it a total of 420 lbs lost from my
highest weight. I've regained about 50 lbs or so which disappoints me, but it is within reason. The more weight I lost
the more excess skin hung from my body. The main issue I have at the moment is the 25 to 30 lbs if not more of excess skin that hangs
from my waist. As you can probably imagine this does affect my every day life. From my endurance to perform normal every day tasks:
sitting for too long, standing, walking, bathing, dressing, pretty much anything you can think of. It takes a toll on my back and causes
me pain 95% of my day.

I have tried alternate methods of treatment for this back pain issue. I have done physical therapy for 2 months with no success.
I have tried cortisone shots in my back with no success. I have been going to pain management for several months and have to take
pain killers on a daily basis in order to function. I attempted going to the gym but sometimes the pain that I feel in my back due
to pinched nerves, arthritis and bulging discs is too much for me to bare. Hygiene is also an issue, I am a very clean person, I do bathe
daily but the summer months can be very difficult due to rashes under my pannus. I get ulcerations, skin tears and it is very painful. For these reasons
surgery is very important to my health and well being.

Please take all the above into consideration when making your decision for my approval. It would not only improve my quality of life but also
help me lose additional weight that I need to lose to meet my personal goal. I inserted a picture of myself in this letter to give you some idea of what I'm dealing with.

Thank you in advance
Sincerely


Rachel Perez

Transformation slideshow

Post I found on my facebook

Thinking

by Rachel Perez on Tuesday, June 15, 2010 at 1:21pm

So I'm considering writing again... not poetry not that I don't feel inspired or have a muse it's just not what I feel like writing right now... I've been thinking a lot of how far I have come and how far I haven't come.... I know that a lot of people say I have so much to be grateful for and this I do.

I had my surgery in Nov of 2007 after about 7 years of struggling to find a way to get medical coverage to do it. It took me moving to another state and going through much testing and 3 doctors and be in the hospital drowning in my own fluids for reality to hit the healthcare system that hey this woman needs help. I have always been overweight, then obese, then morbildy obese then super morbidly obese. I weighed 700+ lbs at one time. Yes my family was always on my back about my weight and that just made me want to not try. You know when someone constantly bugs you about something and it makes you not want to do it? yeah that was me...

So at 28 years old I was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema, and very severe sleep apnea so much as to I stopped breathing 59 times in 1 hour. No wonder I was waking up with massive lack of oxygen headaches. The day I had surgery I weighed in at 564 lbs. After the first 3 months I had lost 103 lbs.. I was ecstatic yes feeling better and more alive each day. After the first year I lost 176 lbs making it a total of 312 lbs lost.. I got as high as 420 lbs lost but I have since I was at my lowest of 285 lbs gained about 50 or so.. I keep gaining and losing the same 5 to 10 lbs due to water retention if I don't take my water pill.. Today I weighed in at 343 lbs.. yes I finally admitted it.. I am not perfect I am human.. I've been hiding in the shadows for a while now for the past few months due to the shame, feeling like a failure, but I know that there are so many in my same place in the same situation struggling.... I just get up again each day and try harder. I am going to physical therapy for pinched nerves and trying to work excercise into my life and hopefully that will help. Now that I got all this off my chest I feel a bit better and maybe this will keep me more on track and I will have more people to encourage me.. :) Thank you for whoever is reading this, thank you for listening...